One of the main issues occurring within relationships is a disparity between sexual libidos – generally it is the male with the higher libido. Though it should be noted that this is not always the case. One partner may require sex far less than the other partner and this can cause resentment between both parties as they go through feelings of feeling unwanted, not feeling attractive, an inability to please, or general annoyance The first piece of advice I have in this regard, is to communicate. It should never be about ‘you don’t give me enough sex’ because sex is not an expectation within a relationship. It is an expression of emotion and intimacy between two people. What should be addressed is thoughts like ‘I don’t feel attractive’ or ‘I don’t feel sexy’ and these kinds of thoughts are much less aggressive and can be brought up in a conversation.
To begin with – there are two parts to a relationship issue. There are the emotions that concern the issue, and then there is the actual issue. The first piece of advice, is if you’re thinking about bringing in sex toys into the relationship then it needs to be done in the right way. Consider why you’d want to bring the toy into the relationship. Is it because you feel that it’ll take some of the pressure off during sex, or do you feel that it’s a way to spice things up, or do you want to use a toy on yourself or your partner to close the gap on a particular desire that’s not being fulfilled?
Bringing It Up At The Right Moment:
It’s probably not a good idea to bring up sex toys during an argument and throw it at them in a way that will make them feel inadequate. It’s also not ideal to bring it up before you’ve even had sex. If you’re in a long term relationship, or you’ve only been dating for a short amount of time – you need to be confident with the level of communication that you have between each other. It’s also an idea to ease into the conversation gradually. Don’t just come out and say, hey I want to use a sex toy on myself/you, ease into it by suggesting – I heard so and so talking about sex toys being really fun, what do you think of them? Use this conversation to gauge their reaction.
You might need to reassure them that the toy isn’t about a failing, just that you’d think it could be fun to introduce to the relationship. Reassure them by reminding them of all the things that you love and admire about them, and the things that they do in particular that you love.
If they seem open to the idea – then you should do some research together. Maybe sit on the laptop one night in bed and look up some couple sex toys on the internet and examine the benefits of couple’s toys that might appeal to both of you. If your other half isn’t keen on the idea, don’t push it. Focus on developing other things in the bedroom and leave the idea of toys to the side for the time being. You could introduce such things as massage oils, some lingerie, or other such things which could help alleviate their concerns into the idea.
By addressing these concerns in a subtle way– you are addressing the heart of the need. Your partner should reassure you and provide you with detail that you don’t need to feel these thoughts and you’ll realise that you have been irrational and it’s not about that at all. Or that there might be some underlying factor that you had not yet considered. Communication is important here, and you should address your feelings as they arise. In the event that someone has a lower libido than the other – and that’s not something you can necessarily adjust to – then you need to have a serious and mature conversation about compromising. Whilst this may not lead to more one on one sex – maybe a compromise would be to allow you to get a masturbator or a small men’s vibrator of some kind. Maybe you could try something together, or the communication will help you feel more at ease within the relationship. This will still allow sexual stimulation for all the health benefits of increased mood, endorphin rates, battling depression and anxiety etc., yet still not compromising the relationship by forcing infidelity or dishonesty. Toys that might suit in this occasion are prostate stimulators, masturbators, vibrating rings and even a guybrator such as the Hot Octopuss.
The second thing that you’ll need to address is the feeling of insecurity– it’s one thing to acknowledge that two people have different libidos – it’s another thing to suggest that that discrepancy should be compensated through the use of sex toys.
Your partner may feel insecure that he/she can’t please you enough, or that they’re not good enough or exciting, adventurous or a whole multitude of different feelings. You will need to address those, lest resentment build up. You need to ensure that your partner still understands that they mean something to you. Phrases such as ‘you still turn me on, however I can’t help my sex drive and rather than put more pressure on you, I’d rather deal with it with a sex toy’. You should also make time for your partner to use the toy on yourself and you shouldn’t hide the fact that you’re using it. You might tell your partner you’re going on a dinner date with Lisa/George or whatever you name your toy. That way it’s clear to your partner what you’re doing and when you’re doing it – who knows, they may feel that they’re in the mood and ask to join! You need to ensure that your partner knows that you’re not replacing them – and that you’re only supplementing your sexual relationship with a toy. By this, you need to ensure that you still make time for your partner and do not spend too much time with your toy. This sounds funny, I know, but it’s happened! Leading to a whole range of issues, without actually addressing the fundamental problem within the relationship.
The benefit of sex toys is that you can also use them together! There are a lot of partners that may feel replaced and lacking when sex toys are utilized as a part of the room; then again, others feel that the weight is off them to perform. This can most likely improve your relationship. Go gradually. In the event that you think your partner will be apprehensive or reject your proposal of utilizing a sex toy, don't pop it out of a container after you're both naked and ready to play. Begin discussing it little by little in non-sexual situations, similar to over an espresso in a café. Consider it like working up to marriage. Begin by sounding out the idea, and see how they feel about it. You might even make the suggestion that you can go to the local adult store together after dinner one day.
Just introduce it within the flow – there’s nothing that disrupts a rhythm more so than when a person pulls out a piece of paper and gives detailed instructions on what’s about to happen. Also, allow your partner to reject the toy at times. Never force it in the bedroom as that can lead to further disruption of the relationship.
For single men, you need to ensure that you are constantly mixing it up. Many young people today experience erection problems due to their consumption of porn – they become so accustomed to pornography that they can only be stimulated when watching it. The same kind of thing can apply to the use of sex toys. Watching hardcore porn can be beneficial, but only when used in moderation. If you only use a particular sex toy when masturbating – you’re essentially training your brain that it can only ejaculate when using this particular toy. There are actually a lot of men out there that simply cannot ejaculate through oral sex – this is because they have grown so accustomed to their hand that without their own hand – they’re unable to get off.
Whether you’re single or in a relationship sex toys should only ever be used as supplementary devices.